A cinema snob’s angry list of pet peeves when going to the pictures

Hello, I’m Marc Kemoody. I am attempting to concentrate on this incredibly interllectual (oh damn… how does one spell that word without auto correct?) film I’m watching but am so distracted by so many different things that I’ve had to suspend my viewing to angrily scribble on this napkin all the things that piss me off about cinemas!!!

Picture: Simon Letch
Picture: Simon Letch

1. People whispering/giggling/looking at their phones during the screening

Honestly, put it away. Twitter is not about the bring you a life-changing piece of information. It’s flickering out of the corner of my eye. And save your comments for afterwards. Stop groaning at how muscly Bradley Cooper is, it’s never going to happen.

2. The price of popcorn

It’s corn. It must cost 10p for a year’s worth. Why is it £4.10? How have you justified this for so long? This is daylight robbery.

3. How cold it is

There’s a rattling draft around my ankles and it’s making it beyond hard to concentrate on the screen. Stop being so stingy and put the heating on.

4. Uncomfortable seating

Is this chair made for dwarves exclusively?

5. Allocated seating

Is it really fair that you can rent a comfy chair smack bang in the middle for more money? Surely a first come, first serve system where every chair is equally comfy creates a fairer atmosphere. This isn’t the theatre.

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